When in childhood did you first start to play this “regret game”? You can then come up with another story for that feeling, maybe dating back to when you first felt it. When you are practised, you will have more clarity when it comes to how you experience the feeling behind the thoughts. You will begin to control the thoughts rather than have them controlling you. As you observe the thoughts, you will separate from them, which will make them easier to let go of. To gain control of those invasive thoughts about your choice of partner and career, start by observing them. It’s the commitment that makes it right, not the object itself. The right choice is the choice we commit to. Guess who turns out happiest? It’s not the perfectionists. Studies have shown that people can be roughly divided into two camps: people who settle for something in the ballpark and say, “That’ll do,” and perfectionists. Had you married the wrong man I doubt you would have chosen him for a second time when you felt lonely after the affair. If the blind permanently closes on that view from the window, I think you would miss it. It also may help you to think about this: your description of the unwavering love and support of your husband makes me think of a beautiful view out of a window that over time you take for granted, even though its presence continues to be positive for you. You need a different story to make sense of your feelings You rightly identify your problem as invasive thoughts, so you know deep down that it isn’t your choices are wrong, but that the thoughts around them are spoiling things. My suspicion is compounded as you feel the same way about your work. In other words, I have a sneaking suspicion that it isn’t that you made a wrong choice, more that your pattern is that whatever choices you make, you assume they are the wrong ones. I think whoever you chose to marry, you would regret it. You need a different story to make sense of your feelings. You need to, and you can, find a different route through life by renegotiating your relationship to your reality. I think the reality of having your husband die would be that you’d feel lonely once more, but this invasive thought is a symbol of how despairing you feel. Philippa’s answer When someone wishes their benign long-term partner dead, I see it as a manifestation for a desire for change. How can I banish invasive thoughts of regret and disappointment, so I can enjoy my life? On the outside it looks award-winning and successful, but it never really satisfied me. I tell myself on a daily basis that I have much to be thankful for, and I am, but I still regret not having chosen a life partner with whom I could feel better suited and more attracted to. We have three children and five precious grandchildren, who bring us an enormous amount of joy. We had our golden wedding anniversary two years ago.
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